


Cosmic Love

by SamWhity



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-05 11:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamWhity/pseuds/SamWhity
Summary: I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a mapAnd knew that somehow I could find my way backThen I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness tooSo I stayed in the darkness with you[Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love]A serie of oneshots describing different moments and different aspects of the friendship among the NYC-girls, the blooming of overwhelming feelings, the fear of losing themselves and so much more..Every chapter can be read as a one-shot but some of them will be somehow linked. Further informations on that will be found in the chapter's notes.





	1. Hold me down, I'm so tired now

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, English is not my first language and this is the first actual work I posted. Although I read a lot and try to better myself at any given occasion, I’m sure it shows at least a bit. I hope it’s still readable, though.  
> I had this idea because Dragcon is upon us and knowing how difficult it is to survive such social settings for people who are at least a little bit awkward and after having read some frankly disgusting comments made about some Season 10 Queens, I just felt it could be an idea worth being developed. I still don’t know if I’ll write a second part, but if you wish I will surely consider it. Also, I’m a sucker for references of any kind, as you will notice reading. I hope you’ll appreciate it.

**Hold me down, I'm so tired now**

 

Dragcon was nothing like she had imagined.  
Sitting in the corner of a bathroom stall, Aquaria was pathetically trying to catch her breath, hoping that the hideous feeling of fear and panic that was spreading in her body would go away quickly. After countless jabs about how racist and transphobic[1] she was, after seeing Miz Cracker and Blaire hugging like they were just waiting to reconnect after moths spent apart[2], after the skeptical looks of some other sisters, the queen turned to Sussy[3] with a terrified look on her face and mouthed the words: “I need to get out of here”.  
Needles to say, the other one charmed the crowd with words like: “Miss, here, has to powder her nose… you don’t wanna see the man behind the make-up, trust me”, and gave him a look that said: “You have ten minutes”.  
She literally ran the short way to the bathrooms just to close the door behind her and try to catch her breath. Aquaria washed her hands, silently cursing the fact she couldn’t also wash her face and, after hearing people coming, she quickly entered one of the stalls.  
It was all going south and, on top of that, the young queen had the distinct feeling that it was her fault and no one else’s. How could a human being be so stupid and undeserving of anything good? She tried to be as quiet as she possibly could, closing her eyes and feeling the cold tiles behind her against her skin.  
“Aquaria? Bitch, are you okay?” Monet’s voice startled her.  
“We saw you running here and you frankly looked like shit” the other queen continued “Are you okay or is this a stomach bug situation that I certainly don’t want to catch?”.  
After having taken a deep breath, the younger answered with a shaky “I’m fine, don’t worry”.  
The other one snorted and cackled, before knocking on the stall’s door.  
“Come out. It’s just me and, in case you don’t remember, I saw your ball popping on the main stage of a certain reality show[4]… I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever state you’re in right now” Monet tried to encourage her, before knocking once more and adding: “Bitch I don’t have the whole damned day”.  
Just when Aquaria was finally coming out of that stall, Miz Cracker entered the bathroom, probably looking for her best friend.  
“Where in the hell are you, Monet? Bob is…” she started, before realizing how disheveled Aquaria looked and asking: “Are you okay?”.  
The other one nodded briefly, before hurrying to wash her hands.  
“Sure. I just.. I.. I have to go. There are people waiting…” she managed to say, after a couple of seconds of weird silence.  
Before she could exit the room, Miz Cracker was next to her, taking her hands in hers.  
“Giovanni Palandrani, talk to me” the queen said sternly, trying to make eye contact even though the other was avoiding her gaze “What is happening?”.  
Aquaria closed her eyes for a second, before answering: “I really have to go. People have paid to see me and…”.  
The other one, for lack of better words, wasn’t having it.  
“We’ll talk about it. This evening. At dinner” he started, before realizing he should have taken it down a few notches “And if I will freaking have to hunt you down, miss thing, I’ll do it. Because I care. Okay?”.  
The other one, who was clearly not expecting it, nodded silently, before hugging Cracker tightly, whispering “Thank you” and exiting the bathroom.  
“Bitch” Monet’s voice startled the other queen “Have you actually just asked her out?! Aquaria!?”.  
Miz Cracker scoffed, before washing her hands and checking her make-up in the mirror.  
“Don’t be stupid. She is a kid who has had a bad day. And we are friends” she started, trying to suppress the image of Aquaria and her together.  
“Sure you are” commented Monet, before grinning “Bitch…”.

Just arrived at her booth, Aquaria heard her phone ringing.  
**_Dinner at the hotel? We could just order some take out, if it’s okay for you._** _  
_ She typed an answer as quickly as she could, without even thinking about her word-choice, before joining the crowd trying to ignore the worried look on Sussy’s face.  
**_Take out sounds fantastic. It’s a date, then._**  
On the other end of the convention center, under the absolutely delighted eyes of Monet and Kaytlin, Cracker read the other’s message and whispered: “Holy shit. And now?”

[1] There are whole Reddit threads about it. You can easily find everything about it there.  
[2] In my head canon Aquaria is not only a little bit socially awkward but also kinda insecure in a “normal setting”. After reading Blaire’s recent tweets, I just had this idea of a jealous/insecure Aquaria who can’t really process her thoughts and feelings well.  
[3] Sussy is Aquaria’s roommate in NYC and a club-kid known for his clownesque make-up (you can find him on [IG](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.instagram.com%2Fthatgirlsussi%2F&t=MTdjOGQwNTJkYTMwNDdjNGEzMDhjNDQ0YThjNmRjZDc2YzhkMmI2MCxab0NOeEt3Vw%3D%3D&b=t%3ARrfDBcO106ZrAYzlP1EShA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Fblog%2Fartificialqueens%2Fsubmissions%3F173733908394&m=1). It’s a pretty nice gallery, if you ask me)  
[4] In episode 4 they had to blurr the frame because of it (or so Monique says in an IG-live)


	2. Pockets full of stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can't be relatable”, she said weakly, evidently referring to the other's comment during Untucked, “I can't just scream how terrified I am, how disappointed in myself, how sad or hurt I actually am. I just can't” she bit her lips, before continuing “I can't just let people in and I'm sorry. It's just not...”.  
> Sometime, even hard cookies crumble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This directly takes place after Episode 8 and Untucked because the short moment we got to see Miz Cracker and Aquaria interact made for a great scene in my mind that doesn't take the trailer for next episode into account(no mad!Aquaria, for instance). Reader warned ;-) 

After Vixen's elimination the atmosphere in the workroom was incredibly somber. Asia was looking at Eureka with badly disguised rage, whereas Kameron was still trying to process her well deserved win. Miz Cracker sat on the sofa, before taking off her shoes and taking a deep breath.  
_"Here we go again_ ”, she thought to herself.  
“How are we feeling?”, asked suddenly Monet, breaking that uncomfortable silence.  
Asia muttered something along the lines of “Like shit”, before tossing her hat next to her and removing her shoes as well.  
“Aquaria? Are you okay?”, Eureka asked, while the younger queen was already in front of the make-up station, removing the glittered gauze from her eyes.  
“Sure”, she whispered, before removing carefully her lashes.  
Miz Cracker looked at her in disbelief, clearly confused by the other's reaction.  
“You were in the bottom three”, Monet interjected, “How did that feel?”.  
The other one turned suddenly.  
“I said I'm okay”.  
There was a coldness in her voice that somehow made the other queens look at her with sadness in their eyes. They all felt like Aquaria was faking it in order not to crumble under the pressure and, judging from her shaking hands trying not to break the lashes, it looked like she was near to a breaking point.  
“Let's get out of this drag!”, Kameron interjected, probably trying to buy the other one enough time to get herself together again.   
They all moved to their respective stations, quickly taking wigs and heels off, glad they got to live another day.  
On the other side of the room, Aquaria was trying to breathe as deeply as possible, in order to regain some composure. She honestly thought she would have died on that stage, after seeing Miz Cracker being declared safe. She was sure her performance wasn't too bad and her look was stunning, period. What did she do wrong? Was she actually worse than Eureka, with her stupid leather jacket and her glittered pageant wig? Was she really so blind and unable to recognize when she did a poor job? Suddenly, she felt overwhelmed and ashamed, unable to go any further, stupid and alone. She felt like that dumb sixteen years old teenager that nobody liked, she felt like a version of herself that she thought she had left behind.  
“You'll break it”, Kameron's voice startled her, “Let me help you with that”, the queen murmured, helping Aquaria with the headpiece she was wearing, before adding: “It must have cost you a fortune”.  
The other one nodded but didn't say a word, before closing briefly her eyes and taking a deep breath.  
“Thanks” she managed to murmur “And congratulations on your win. You actually looked stunning” she added after a couple of seconds, before unlacing her cape.  
“Thank you. Regardless of the judges' opinion, you did a pretty good job”, the older one said with a soft smile, before going back to her station and taking her wig off.  
Miz Cracker watched the scene with concern, before exchanging a look with Monet and shrugging at the other's confused expression: Aquaria was rarely so quiet. The queens packed their stuff, before exiting the filming studio, ready to jump in the van and be brought back to the hotel. Asia exchanged a look with Monet, before engaging some meaningless conversation with Eureka in order to distract her. Cracker quickly joined Aquaria, brushing against her hand and whispering “Back of the van”. The other one nodded without a word, before exiting the work room, glad the day was officially over.  
Those overwhelming feelings were starting to impact her reactions, she thought, and she had to get herself together before the next day of filming. She sat in the back of the van, quickly followed by Miz Cracker and Monet, who sat next to the younger queen.  
“Bitch, you okay?”.  
Aquaria answered with a “Mh”, before starting to play with her hands.  
“Aquaria”, interjected Cracker sternly, “Let it go. You had a bad day. Shit happens. Don't let it drag you down”.  
The other one nodded but didn't say a word, lost in her thoughts.  
“I can't” she murmured after a couple of minutes.  
It felt so sudden that the other two queens looked at her in disbelief.  
“She speaks” Monet said affectionately.  
“What do you mean?” Miz Cracker asked “What are you trying to say?”.  
The youngest one took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second, before starting to speak.  
“I can't be relatable”, she said weakly, evidently referring to the other's comment during Untucked, “I can't just scream how terrified I am, how disappointed in myself, how sad or hurt I actually am. I just can't” she bit her lips, before continuing “I can't just let people in and I'm sorry. It's just not...”.  
“It's okay” Monet took her hand, before squeezing it “Just... don't let it crush you”.  
“Yeah, than I'll have to play me and you and that wouldn't be cute” Cracker's words seemed to have fallen flat, as the other one barely flinched.  
They spent the rest of the drive in silence, lost in their own thoughts.  
Just before exiting the van, Aquaria turned to face Cracker with a sad smile on her face.  
“I'm sorry I'm not the person you wish I were” she said and, without waiting for an answer, she quickly entered the hotel, ready to take a shower and collapse.  
“Bitch, you gotta tell her. It's getting kinda sad, you know? All this pining...” Monet's words made the other one flinch.  
“I don't know what you're talking about”.  
Miz Cracker entered the hotel, before waving the friend good night and entering the elevator with one of the P.A.s. Under the shower, when Aquaria's words finally sunk in, she took a deep breathe before saying the only word she found appropriate.  
“Holy. Fucking. Shit.”

 

A/N (2):  _this_  Aquaria is pretty much **my** HC. She's a lovable introvert who manages to fake confidence when she doesn't feel 100% herself and is afraid of opening up to people. Same goes for Miz Cracker: in my HC he's the supportive (boy)friend who calls you on your ahem... issues. Stern is the best way to describe her, when Aquaria shuts everyone out. Also: did I mention that I adore Monét? ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for the lovely feedback to “Hold me down, I'm so tired now”. I'm planning a sequel and starting to plan a whole series of one-shots that are somehow all linked by a fil rouge. This one can be seen as a pre-pre-prequel, if you want.   
> The title, once again, comes from a song by Florence + The Machine called “What the water gave me”.


	3. I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner in Cracker's hotel room turned out to be definitely something else, if you ask Aquaria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the sequel to "Hold me down, I'm so tired now" (the first work I posted). I hope you'll enjoy it. I had a great time writing it, you know? The title comes from yet another song by Florence + The Machine: Never let me go.

Aquaria was absently moving the food on her plate, while Miz Cracker was saying her goodbyes to Katelyn, ready for a night out with some friends. When the girl was finally out, living her best LA-fantasy, the atmosphere became suddenly awkward.  
"So” started the older one “Wanna talk about what happened today?”.  
There was a strange gentleness in her tone, mixed with that stern inflection she always had when talking to the other one. Cracker was a great friend and sometimes, in order to be that great friend, she had to call her sisters out and make them face whatever issue was going on. Aquaria was no exception.  
“Nothing really happened” the latter shrugged, before starting to play with her food again “I just needed a minute”.  
“Bullshit”.  
Aquaria flinched, before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.  
“Wanna try this again?” asked the other queen, raising an eyebrow.  
“I just had a bad morning, that is all. Why is it so important?”, the bored voice and the bitchy attitude made Miz Cracker roll her eyes.  
“Why can't you just open up?” she asked then, taking the fork from Aquaria hands “And stop playing with the food!” she added, for good measure.  
It was nothing new: sharing feelings, or even random thoughts, was hard for the younger one. She spent so much time creating this amazing, beautiful persona to present on stage to protect Giovanni, who was shy, awkward and incredibly unsure of himself, that she sometimes forgot that there were plenty of people she could trust. People, like Cracker, who loved her and would have never hurt her on purpose. People like Monét, with her bubbly personality and bug heart. People like Sussy, Susanne, Ladyfag. Sometimes she had to force herself to open up, to trust them even if it was scary. This moment,sitting on the sofa in Miz Cracker's hotel room, was one of them. Aquaria snorted lightly, before taking her fork back.  
“I just had a couple weird interactions with fans. You know I don't do well in those settings” she mumbled, lowering her gaze and focussing on the food in her plate.  
Cracker sighed, before sitting next to her.  
“What did they tell you?” she prodded gently, knowing the matter had to be delicate.  
The other one closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  
“It doesn't really matter. It just rubbed me the wrong way” she mumbled, before biting her lower lip and taking a deep breath “You know, sometimes I think they don't give us permission to learn, or to grow and...”.  
The younger one was quickly engulfed in a hug, Cracker's hands caressing her head and drawing patterns on her back. Without being able to hold it any further, Aquaria let out a sob, before mumbling a soft “Sorry. I didn't mean to...”. Her words were cut short by another sob.  
“It's okay, it's okay” the older one said, continuing to rub the other one's back “You're safe here. You're safe and you can be as upset as you are right now, okay? You are entitled to be”.  
In that moment, Miz Cracker's phone buzzed, making the two queens jump.  
“Shit”.  
“You can answer, you know?” Aquaria interjected, before wiping her eyes “Maybe it's important”.  
Cracker took her phone, before reading the text and snorting.  
“Or maybe it's Monét, drunk, who thinks he texted some random guy”, she then proceeded to show the other one the message.  
The quiet laugh that escaped the younger's lips made the other one smile.  
“Wanna eat this food and watch some old comedy?” she then asked.  
“I would love to” answered Aquaria and the softness in her voice made Cracker's heart skip a beat.  
They spent the rest of the night sitting on Cracker's sofa, watching “The golden girls” and laughing quietly, not even noticing that their hands were touching.  
As Aquaria made her way to the door, that soft smile still on her lips, the other one took a deep breath.  
“We should meet for coffee” she blurted, before actually understanding what she said and continuing: “After Dragcon, when I'll be back in NYC. We should grab a coffee, if you want to.”.  
The younger smiled, before hugging her tightly one last time and murmuring: “I'd love to. Very much”.  
A couple of hours later, just as she decided to go to sleep, Cracker found a string of messages on her phone and couldn't hide a smirk.  
**Aquaria, 11:47 pm:** I don't really like coffee. Is tea also okay?  
**Aquaria, 11:52 pm:** Okay, now I feel like an idiot because I just got the whole picture.  
**Aquaria, 11:53 pm:** And I would love to “grab a coffee” with you.  
**Aquaria, 11:57 pm:** Okay, those quotation marks made it sound awkward. Please tell me I hadn't misunderstood everything  
**Aquaria, 00:05 am:** Okay, now I just made a fool of myself and you're pissed.  
**Aquaria, 00:08 am:** Please don't be pissed.  
**Aquaria, 00:09 am:** And stop ignoring me!  
**Aquaria, 00:12 am:** Are you really so pissed?  
Cracker laughed quietly, before answering.  
**Miz Cracker, 00:12 am:** I'm not pissed and you got it right: no misunderstandings. Tea is also okay. And now sleep, otherwise people will think I'm prettier than you, tomorrow.  
The other's answer came in a couple of seconds later.  
**Aquaria, 00:13 am:** No way! You'll never be the pretty one, you're already the nice one. ;-)  
A second message came in right after.  
**Aquaria, 00:14 am:** Either way, I'd love to have coffee, or tea, or whatever with you. Buona notte. :-*  
Cracker smiled, before making her way to the bed and crash on it. Dragcon was truly as amazing as people told her, she thought, before falling asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aquaria overthinking is yet again part of my IC. You'll definitely get to see more of it, while I'll bring up her jealousy in an upcoming oneshot. No Monét, this time, but she'll make another appereance soon enough, don't worry. ;-) “Buona notte” is Italian for “Goodnight”

**Author's Note:**

> ABOUT THE TITLE: Florence + The Machine recently released two incredible songs: “Sky full of songs” and “Hunger”. The title of this fic is actually a verse from the first one.


End file.
